Hogwarts University Herald
Published Biweekly for Wizards in Waiting
“Not affiliated with Hogwarts University since 1872”
Volume 5,677 Issue
360 December
26, 2003
Tuition
Rising Again
That blue smoke soaring
over Hogwarts University’s campus yesterday didn’t come from a dyspeptic
dragon, it was angry students firing off Blast-Ended Skrewts in protest of the
university’s latest 9.9% tuition increase. Neutral observers counted some 300
participants, but the robust sound levels supported the rally organizers’ claim that an equal number of
the shyer students chose to attend
wearing invisibility cloaks.
Apparating suddenly into
the rally, together with stage, podium and a dozen of his administrative staff,
President Snape defended the increases. Pounding his fist on the enchanted
podium—which in response turned interesting shades of red and purple with the
occasional puff of yellow smoke—he blamed the higher tuition on lack of government
support. Stretching his body to a full nine feet, Snape turned to the student
leaders and thundered, “At some point you just have to look the public in the
eye and ask, ‘Do you believe in magic?’” One of his aides then cast a karaoke
spell, and the entire senior administrative team danced and sang to the Lovin’
Spoonful tune.
Snape’s ploy failed to
win the students over. Declining his invitation to sing along, Wally Weasely,
the students’ spokeswizard, claimed that the malnourished students lacked the
energy. “Just to avoid starvation, we’ve been forced to take part-time jobs selling
Every Flavor Beans on the streets of Hogsmeade.”
His mood changing with a
bright purple flash, a sneering Snape responded that no one would be starving
if the elves weren’t on strike. “The only reason this absurd stoppage
continues is that the students won’t break the strike charm. If that’s your
strategy, you can eat your robes. And by the way, do you have any idea how much
the new digital quills cost to maintain? I’ll tell…”
Continued on page 7
Ministry
of Magic Launches New Program Review
Recent reports in the London Necromancer alleging that
Hogwarts University doctoral graduates were flipping Hippogriff burgers at the
Hogsmeade Inn have produced some action. Yesterday, Mal de Trop, Senior Functionary
for Hyperoccult Programs in the Ministry of Magic, charged that HU was failing
to focus its graduate education. “They’ve completely lost touch with fantasy,”
he said, gesturing violently with his wand and inadvertently setting the drapes
on fire. “Most of their doctorates are in the Care of Magical Creatures, but
there’s no market for that. In fact, we’re producing graduates faster than the
poor over-studied creatures can reproduce.” De Trop also charged that HU’s
doctoral grads were infamous for their “sloppy spell-casting.” He announced that
the Ministry would…
Continued on page
6
More
Problems with Data System
The cost overruns for
HU’s new Mystical Resources system continue to mount. It seems that
administrators have to make almost daily trips to Gringrott’s just to keep the
project going. But the university is now striking back. HU’s Vice President for
Seriously Boring Data, Diego Sinistra, announced that the vendor on the
project, Mugglesoft, was responsible for the two billion Galleon cost overrun.
Turning lovely shades of gold as he spoke, perhaps to symbolize the escalating
cost, Sinistra complained that Mugglesoft’s leaders “wouldn’t lift a wand to
help.” The HU VP made it clear that the university intended to sue if it’s
concerns weren’t addressed.
Reached at his office,
Uriah Kleptosky, Executive Leech at Mugglesoft, denied Sinistra’s charges.
“Look, they knew what they were getting into with this. When you have to
rethink a system that’s five thousand years old and laced with incantations no
one remembers any more, it’s going to take time. What did HU expect? Magic?” As
for the threat of a lawsuit, Kleptosky laughed darkly and said, “Bring it on.
I’ve got access to a barrister curse
that will curl the…
Continued on page 6
President
Snape’s Perks Defended
Public outrage over President
Snape’s new mansion, which includes 28 fully haunted rooms, appears to be
growing. A senior member of the Board of Trustees, who spoke on condition of anonymity,
defended the purchase. Noting that Snape took over from President Sirius Black,
he said, “The old house was a disaster. I mean, Black’s an animagus. The place
was like a kennel, with fire hydrants everywhere. How can you entertain donors
in that kind of environment?”
This criticism of Black,
coming on the heels of his controversial bones-for-life buyout, caused at least
one friend to speak out in the ex-president’s defense. At a hastily called
press conference, an associate of Black’s faced a mob of reporters, agreeing to
talk on condition that he not be identified in human form. Unfortunately, his
unwillingness to provide specific information only added fuel to the
controversy. The complete statement from “Rex” was, “Woof. Woof, woof.” When
one of the disappointed reporters asked for details, Rex lifted his hind leg
threateningly, and the interview came to a sudden end.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Snape’s
Executive Assistant for Herbology, Anisette Belladonna, announced that the
garden would…
Continued on page 6
Quidditch
Team Investigated Again
Rumors of the use of
Performance Enhancing Potions continue to surround the HU Quidditch team. A
member of the visiting Nether Wales squad agreed to speak off the record about
the controversy, “Let’s get real. Those HU guys don’t even need broomsticks to
fly.”
The PEP charges come on
the heels of league investigations into the academic status of HU’s star
seeker, El Moro Lindo, who has been
accused of using the infamous doppelganger charm to send a copy of himself to
class and…
Continued in Sports, page
1
Asst.
Prof. He Who Must Not Be Named, Jr. denied tenure. Threatens end of world
In a news conference
yesterday afternoon, Provost Le Goblin agreed to discuss the controversial “He
Who Must Not Be Named, Jr.” (HWMNBN, Jr.) tenure case. Noting that HWMNBN, Jr.
had taken his case directly to the public by enchanting the marching band so
that it spelled out “Tenure for HWMNBN, Jr. or the world ends” during halftime
of the HU-BU Qudditch match, Le Goblin said that HU felt no obligation to maintain
confidentiality for its part.
In response to a question,
Le Goblin admitted that HWMNBN, Jr. was a strong researcher, “I’ll have to
agree that levitating the entire London metropolitan area for five days was a
good trick. But, let me remind you that all research must be carried out in a
proper manner, and HWMNBN, Jr. failed to get prior permission from the Human
Subjects Committee. Since there were about fifteen million humans affected, we
think that’s a considerable oversight.”
Le Goblin also offered
some comments about HWMNBN Jr.’s teaching. “Sure, his evaluations were good,
but what kind of teacher brags that his best students have gone on to become
Dementors?”
The big problem with
HWMNBN, Jr., Le Goblin said, is that he is “not collegial.” Thrusting a moving
photo of a glowering HWMNBN, Jr. in front of the terrified reporters, Le Goblin
almost yelled, “Look at him! He’s literally two-faced!”
When a reporter for the New York Times asked why that was bad,
an angry Le Goblin flashed a Gorgon curse that turned the man to stone. After
apologizing and restoring the poor muggle to his normal functions, Le Goblin continued.
“I’ll give you one example. When old Professor Pangloss fell asleep during a
debate about curriculum, HWMNBN, Jr.’s second face turned him into a hippopotamus.
This might seem funny,” he glared at the snickering reporters, “but no one was
able to change him back and every faculty meeting is now a crisis. You can
imagine how hard it is to find a conference room with a muddy pond in the
middle. Also, the constant snorting and shuffling makes it hard to concentrate.
HWMNBN, Jr. offered to turn himself into a crocodile to ‘put Pangloss out of
his misery.’ Of course, we refused. Eventually, we found a way to transfigure…
”
Continued on page 11
New
“Witch Studies” Program in Trouble?
The Chair of HU’s Board
of Elderwizards, H. H. “Hootie” DiMastry, has expressed opposition to HU’s
proposed new undergraduate major in Witch Studies. DiMastry told HUH’s
interviewer that he could see no point in the new program. “Look, everyone is
treated the same here. Witch, Wizard, all are equal. Sure, things were different
in the past, but that’s all changed.”
DiMastry was about to
continue when a small brown owl appeared. Waving his very large wand in its
direction, he yelled, “I told you no messages!’
Turning back to this
reporter, he continued. “Sometimes these ‘equality’ movements go too far. For
example, if a wizard tells a witch in the secretarial pool that she really
looks hot in those form-fitting ‘basic black’ outfits, he gets treated as if
he’s some kind of sexist. And that reminds me, why don’t the younger witches
wear the traditional hats anymore? It was good enough for their mothers, why
not for them?”
Told of DiMastry’s
hostility, the Witch Studies leader, Gloria De la Roche, reacted derisively. “Wizards
don’t want anything to change. They want us to go around wearing those pointy
hats that are nothing more than totems of male dominance. When they aren’t
touting these silly symbols, they’re trying to hide their own sexual inadequacies.
Ever wonder why ‘Hootie’ carries such a long, fat wand? Pathetic, what more can
I say?”
Told of this statement,
but without attribution, DiMastry was outraged. “Which witch [expletive
deleted]? Was it that pestiferous De la …
Continued in our special
“The Week in Magic” supplement, page 3
