So many running for President, so hard to keep track. Every current
and former Republican governor, a gaggle of Senators. Then there’s the pediatric
neurosurgeon (retired) and the failed technology executive. Also The Donald,
and continuing in that vein, I expect at least one professional wrestler.
Why so many Republican princes contending for the throne?
A simple answer:
there’s no downside and a big upside to running.
If you’re an egotist politician (redundant, I know), running
means you’re in the news constantly. What’s not to like about that?
In the bad old days, you had to convince a lot of people you
had good ideas in order to get support for a serious run. No more.
Thanks to the Supreme Court, you just have to find a
billionaire patron, of which there are a lot on the Republican side.
The best way to bag your billionaire, it seems, is to be
more ferocious than the next guy in attacking Evil Hilary. Some consultants
have even suggested candidates apply foam to their faces so their denunciations
will appear sufficiently rabid on TV.
Of course, you also have to challenge your opponents for the
nomination, and the increasingly nasty attacks on the airwaves are causing
severe heartburn for traditional Republican power brokers who are trying to
position their guy, Jeb.
George III (he’s a Bush; there has to be a ‘George’ in there
somewhere) is getting the political equivalent of a hernia as he tries to
appear rational in New Hampshire in the morning and outdo Ben Carson in
Hilary-hating in South Carolina in the afternoon.
I know this isn’t all bad, and some of us would really like
to see what happens when Ted Cruz insults the pro wrestler in a debate.
But guys! This stuff will permeate two football seasons! You know Fox NFL won’t be able to keep its
hands off. Listen to the future-
Troy Aikman (announcer): “Amazing! The Seahawks again fail
to put it in from the 1! Let’s ask our expert panel what they think Coach Carroll
should have done!
The panel (all talking at once):
Jeb Bush: “Tax cuts…”
Scott Walker: “I
stood up to the unions!”
Chris Christie: "Let me weigh in here..."
Chris Christie: "Let me weigh in here..."
Ted Cruz: “It all
comes down to a failed immigration policy. Who let these beefy goons into…”
Pro Wrestler: “Grrr.”
Messy.
Hey GOP power brokers! I have a solution!
Back in 1389 the Ottoman Sultan, Bayezid I, ascended to the
throne and, showing foresight that allowed him to reign for a dozen years,
immediately decided to have his only brother strangled.
Subsequent Sultans thought the idea of eliminating potential
competitors wise, and it became known as “the Ottoman solution.” Eventually, in
the 17th Century, redundant princes were confined in “the Cage,” a
part of the harem. All this helped reduce the number of expensive civil wars.
What if Republicans put a price on being a candidate? Could
be effective, no?
Now, I understand you NRA-types have already started to
debate which assault rifle would be best for dispatching “ex-Cans,” but a more
pacific approach is best for the 21st Century.
The idea of sending
The Donald to a harem for the rest of his life sounds, well, redundant,
so there has to be a better solution.
My suggestion is to tell candidates that, if you fail to
receive the nomination, your political and public life is over. No more TV
interviews, no more news photos, no one asks you for a quote, no more speeches
published. Google will even institute it’s “mandate to be forgotten” and purge
its servers so that your past will also disappear.
In short, the equivalent of life in prison for an egotist.
It’s extreme, and of course, some ex-Cans would have to be
put on suicide watch. Stay calm, Ted.
There’s a bright side, though. I’m pretty sure treatment for
“Ex-Can Syndrome” will be covered by Obamacare.
