by Garrison Walters
A major debate in the tech world at the moment is whether we
should allow the creation of autonomous killer robots for the military. “Autonomous”
means the bots make their own decision about when to shoot. Many buzzkill scientists
have come out against the idea.
This whole discussion seems pointless to me. I mean, you
know where the NRA is going to come down on this. Because bots are programmed, they
are obviously part of the Second Amendment’s “well regulated militia.” And what
the NRA wants…
The big question is, once the killer machines are in the
hands of the mob (figure two weeks), will the bots be able to drive themselves to
their, uh, assignments? It’s not a question of “can,” of course, since they’ll
be more than capable. But will they be allowed? Will they be able to get
driver’s licenses?
This is not a silly question. Rather it’s very much in line
with American concerns about efficiency. Will Guido have to drive Guido-bot to
all his hits, or can he stay home and fill out the time-consuming pre- and
post- murder paperwork that’s now been imposed by Obamacare?
Assuming the killer bots can get licenses, will they have to
take tests? Would the license examiners even show up?
Personally, I’m thinking the actual in-car test will be
waived and the license agency will find a way to do the written exam online.
Of course, this brings us to the other “trending” question
in the tech media -- when will we have self-driving cars?
Good question and personally I see quite a bit of logic in
connecting the concept of the killer bot with that of the self-driving car.
Google has been researching self-driving cars for a couple
of years now. Critics have learned that there have been a lot of accidents and
asked Google to fess up about them. Co-owners Larry Page and Sergei Brin
finally did, pointing out that yes there were a lot of crashes but that none of
them were mistakes by their cars – all
had been hit by faulty humans.
I can see where this is going, can’t you? The issue now is
whether Silicon Valley’s factories can churn out enough killer bots so that
each Google self-driving car can have one riding shotgun. Maybe Elon Musk, who
has a lot of experience with things that go bang, can help by making them on
his Tesla assembly line.
Soon, very soon, the number of faulty drivers will decrease
sharply.
There’s some possible bad news, though. What if the car bot
and the killer bot bond during all those hours of driving? You know, what if
they find they have a lot in common? Like tough childhoods, with the lab
workers always calling them stupid? What then?
Well, I think pedestrians will start to become a lot more
careful – not just crossing streets but in even walking near them. Maybe not a
problem. Everybody in America has been looking for an excuse to stay home, watch
TV, and eat fast food.
We’re an inventive people, and our pizza delivery trucks
will soon be armored, so nothing to worry about there.
There is also the possibility that the two bots will become
a Bonnie-bot and Clyde-bot, driving around the country and robbing banks. They
would spend the cash at McBullets, the popular new drive-in ammo places. Gas
stations are already self-service and the bots won’t need food, so…
Hmm. I wonder if a bot can change a tire? It’s not likely
AAA will answer a call for help.
The whole thing could get kind of messy, but I think there’s
a solution. The bots will need auto insurance, and when they apply they’ll find
the Medusa-like stares of the agents they encounter quite different from the
cuddly GEICO gecko. The bots won’t have parents to sponsor them, so that’s
that.
No insurance, no license, no driving. Even (some)
libertarians agree that drivers need licenses.
Will the good news last, though? I imagine the car-bot and
the killer-bot sitting around in a garage, cleaning their guns and talking nostalgically
about the good old bank-robbing days. Maybe they’ll link up with a brainy bot
that’s escaped from Stanford’s nearby artificial intelligence lab? Where will
that lead?
Meanwhile, will Google keep making self-driving cars?
Watch this space and I’ll let you know. I put in a call to
the Googleplex in California and have been promised that Page-bot and Brin-bot are
driving to my house and will let me know in person.
