By Garrison Walters
Computer ignorance abounds in our society. It all began with
the poster child of digital illiteracy, Ollie North, who wasn’t curious enough
to ask whether “delete” really meant “gone forever.” The problem continues with
the subscribers to the Ashley Madison website, who paid to have their accounts
deleted and evidently truly believed that this had been done. Of course, the
Ashley Madison affair (heh, heh) also shows the core failings of men. It turns
out that 99 and a fraction per cent of the women registered on the site were
fake. This means that the real women in the database, eleven by my count, have been either really,
really busy or, far more likely, are graduate students writing dissertations in the fast-rising social science category of "Cognitive Dissonance and the Intermittent Male Appendage."
I wrote a book about the problem of digital illiteracy, Total F*ing Magic, whose purpose is to help
folks understand stuff like where email goes. But no one reads it. It seems
that people just want to believe all is well and make the same mistakes over and over again.
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the erstwhile Colonel’s handle is found on
the Ashley Madison website. Hillary Clinton is another digital naif, so, to make
a point – and possibly to sell some books -- I’m publishing some emails from
her “deleted” archive.
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Dear Chelsea:
My first day at the State Department! I’ve been told that
all my communications using official systems or even written while in the
office are public documents, so I’m using this private server and personal phone
for my connections with family and friends. What could go wrong?
Mom, Wise in Washington
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Bill:
I’ve read carefully your request for a million dollar
donation to the “Save the Miss America Pageant” foundation.
I do understand
that our gift, by putting you on their board and allowing you to be a judge any
time you want, would create high public visibility. Also, your arguments
that the pageant has turned more toward “talent’ and “patriotism” are well written and presented
with the skill of a Yale Law graduate. So, after careful consideration, my
answer is NO! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!
HRC, Freaked-out In France
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Bill:
I know we’ve made some money, but I think it wouldn’t be
wise for you to buy a “red Ferrari roadster.” Besides the obvious reason why
guys buy cars like this, there are practical issues: what will the Secret Service do? Buy a fleet
of Lamborghinis?
HRC, Steamed in Singapore
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UNSENT DRAFT
Huma:
My personal advice is to give up on that weirdo husband of
yours. I certainly see why you didn’t take his name – Mrs. Wiener indeed! Also,
he looks pitiful without a shirt. I wish somebody had given me this advice
years ago. I’ve tried everything, including giving him estrogen disguised as
multi-vitamins, but Bill’s never slowed down. My motto in retrospect is, “dump
sooner than later.”
HRC, Hopeless in Hungary
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Bill,
Thanks for sending the video of Ken Starr celebrating with
the team after a Baylor football win. The very idea of this prissy wuss
pretending to be ‘one of the guys’ is hysterical!* You and I have had our tough
times, but we’ll always have that pretentious twit to generate a good laugh!
HRC, Smiling in Swaziland
*Not “hilarious.”
You know I hate that word.
========
Chelsea:
Here I am, on a plane as usual, flying from somewhere to
somewhere. I’m kind of depressed. There are people around all the time, but no
one I can really talk to. And, you know those little girls who bring flowers to
you as you get off the plane? Like they do everywhere from Albania to Zanzibar?
I’m beginning to think they’re all uttering some variations of “die, American,
die” under their sweet little breaths. That’s a sign I’ve been in this job too
long. Honestly, this whole "fame and power" thing is so not me. Next week I’m going to announce my retirement and head back to that
little cabin in Arkansas. I think your dad and I will enjoy life there.
Ha ha! April Fool! Hear any other good ones today!
Ha ha! April Fool! Hear any other good ones today!
Love,
Mom, Kidding over Korea
