Dear Governor Mississippi:
I was pleased to hear about your state’s new religious
freedom law.
I’m told you’re a true believer in laws that prevent
government from forcing people to violate their religious beliefs by, for
example, serving a gay person in a restaurant.
People say you defended your decision to sign the bill as
something Jesus would have done. That makes sense; Jesus didn’t allow debate, he
just did things. Also, if you say you’re doing God’s will, I’m sure it must be
true since saying is believing.
In any case, your new
law sounds like the kind of thing that would attract a person like me to your state.
I’m a practicing Christian, Catholic actually, and I believe
that the hate-filled views of southern white evangelicals are directly opposed
to the teachings of Jesus Christ. I know it’s hard to believe, but these people
actually justified slavery and segregation by saying it was God’s law!
Obviously, southern white evangelicals present a clear and
present danger to the health and security of the United States. Given this, I
presume that if I opened a restaurant in your fine state, I’d be able to deny
service to bigots? I mean, it would violate my core religious beliefs to serve racists
so I’m sure refusing to serve them would be acceptable. Right?
Mississippi sounds wonderful to me. I mean here in Virginia government
prevents me from discriminating against anyone, no matter how heathen. Constitutionally,
I’m like suffocating.
Since I won’t always know who’s a southern white evangelical
and who isn’t, I’m planning to have a computer-based questionnaire that all
prospective customers will have to complete at the restaurant door. If they
don’t score high enough, I won’t let them in. That’s OK, isn’t it? I mean it’s
designed to protect my Christian values and nothing else. Certainly, I have no
personal animus toward these evil servants of the antichrist who should be free
to speak their mind as long as they stay in their own part of the city.
This could get a little more complicated, though. After I
open my restaurant in Mississippi, I plan to start an airline. I will, of
course, limit service to only those who qualify as good Christians. I haven’t made
a final decision on how to determine that – a questionnaire would be too slow
(although the TSA lines are now so slow, Donald Trump would have time to do his
taxes).
For convenience, I’m thinking that all prospective
passengers on Air Jesus will have to have a certified letter from their local
Catholic priest. These letters, which I’m planning to call “Not A Bigot”
letters (NABs for short) may become a standard document, helping real
Christians separate those who believe in God from those who hold with the devil.
This wouldn’t be a Mississippi-based business of course, since, for safety
reasons, airlines require customers to wear shoes. But I’m assuming you’ll want
to invest. Can I send you a prospectus?
Once it’s more widely known, I expect my campaign to keep southern
white evangelicals in place will gather a lot of momentum. It’s something that
has to happen. I mean, WWJD?
