by Nom de Pomme
Tea Party activist Gomer Timson today told Fox News that his group has concluded that the earth is really, truly flat. That is to say, not a sphere.
Speaking loudly and punching his hand in the air for emphasis, Timson savaged scientists. “These pointy-headed types have been telling us what to do for way too long. They were wrong on that so called ‘climate change’ and they’re wrong on the shape of the earth. It’s flat. Always has been.” When asked for proof, Timson responded eagerly. “I knew you’d ask that. So I did my own research—the Real American kind not in some stupid laboratory. I went to Kansas and drove from the Missouri border all the way to Colorado. Now, if the earth was round, I’d of been driving uphill for half the way and then down again. But did I? No! It was flat all the way! Case closed!”
Republican leaders quickly embraced the Tea Party’s latest revelation. “I’d never thought of that,” said, Senator Charles Grassley, (R-Iowa), “but now that you mention it, they do call Australia ‘down under,’ so it make sense.” There’s some doubt about Grassley’s sincerity, though. Before his lapel mike was turned off, he muttered in a disgusted tone, “the things I say to get through a primary.”
Republican Governor Rick Perry of Texas was more enthusiastic. “I knew it! It’s totally flat here so it makes sense it’s flat everywhere! What’s salsa for the goose is, uh, whatever…”
Rush Limbaugh, reached while his show was on the air, was dismissive of the news. “Well duh! I already knew that. You can easily tell the earth is flat by the way the sun orbits it.”
Ex-Governor Sarah Palin reacted with similar sang froid. “Of course, up here in Alaska—actually up there since I haven’t been there in a while thank God—I can see the edge of the earth from my house. It’s real dark and far away.”
The Tea Party is planning to ask all Republican primary candidates to take a “Flat Earth” pledge if they want the group’s endorsement in the general election.
