Inappropriately Articulated Ailments

One of the dangers of getting older is that you acquire an increasing number of ailments. Each of these contains intrinsic dangers, of course, but there is one nasty side effect you can avoid if you make a strong and determined effort:  deciding that your affliction is interesting.

It works like this. Your doctor encourages you to read about your disease or condition so that you can “better manage your care.” A reasonable approach, but a truly dangerous one. You’d be much smarter if you just blindly followed her orders.

If you do step on the slippery slope and start to read about whatever you have, you’ll likely soon find that your affliction is actually quite fascinating. It has a number of variations and an array of treatments with some recent, thought-provoking possibilities. And no one knows why people in Borneo never get it.  

Bring Back the Ignition Key

Now, I know you’re thinking the guy who wrote the title above has to be a geezer. I mean, old guys are always whining about how things were better in “their day.”

Well, you’ve got me. I’m over 70. And I actually know what you’re talking about. In the early years of this century, my 80-ish uncle, a very smart and well educated man, regularly lamented the breakup of AT&T. Put him in charge and he’d have brought back the rotary dial phone in a heartbeat. And only in black.

Anyway, I’m different (I hope) and the reason I’m thinking about this ignition key thing is a news story reporting that thieves can steal the code from your key fob when you lock your car and then, when you’re gone, drive your car away by clicking a couple of times on a special device that’s captured and retained your code. Since vehicles are now keyless, getting in means getting going.

Democrats! Be Fair to Trump!

Democrats should be held responsible for offering Trump the same respect and support the GOP provided to Clinton and Obama. Republicans may think this excessively harsh, but so be it. Fair is fair.

-->

Avoidance

My wife, an experienced mental health practitioner, thinks that my decision to stop reading the news (see:  A Year Without News?) is a bad idea because it constitutes “avoidance,” and in the world of professional psychology that’s always unhealthy.

I’m sure she’s right about avoidance in the emotional context. Suppressing a feeling is usually a mistake because the source of the conflict will come back and you’re better off doing something about it now rather than later when it will probably be worse.

Dear "Conservative Christian" Family Member

Here’s where I stand on the election.

If you were talking honestly and sincerely to a grandson about what Christian virtues of Donald Trump you would like him to emulate, I’m confident you couldn’t find any. Not one.* But you could find a dozen strongly un-Christian behaviors and traits you’d want an impressionable young man to reject. Of course, if you were talking to a granddaughter, it would be simpler. You’d simply advise her to stay as far away as possible from Trump and men like him.

The stories you and others cited about Hillary Clinton as serial murderer or tool of Iran have been thoroughly debunked as fabrications. These mostly came from a small town in Macedonia where people creating Facebook web ads discovered that American conservatives would click on anything anti-Clinton (and would further prove their gullibility by lingering on the site to buy fake Viagra, magic health pills, etc.). There's also strong evidence that Russia helped in this effort. 

If there was any substance to these phony news stories, Republican legislators would have investigated and Republican prosecutors would have indicted. But that hasn’t and won’t happen. Just like Trump’s unqualified statements that he had “absolute proof” that Obama wasn’t born in the US, the lies have served their purpose and will quickly fade back into the darkness they came from.

Hypocrisy is the common thread connecting conservative Republicans’ past and future.

A Year Without News?

Now seems like a good time to give up on the news. The wackos have won Washington and frankly, I don’t want to read about their campaign to trash American values, not to mention our economy.

I'm not saying the country is going to the dogs, because that would be unfair to dogs. Most canines I’ve encountered are smarter than the people taking over the federal government. More honest, too.

The bottom line is that the experience of continuing to read news wouldn’t be good for either my physical or mental health. So, I’m out. The plan is a year. We’ll see how it goes.

Ezekiel Elliott

Ezekiel Elliott isn’t the fastest back I’ve seen, nor is he the quickest (in the sense of change of direction). And he’s by no means the most powerful runner. He’s excellent in all those categories, but not in the elite group.

In fact, there are a number of active running backs who have the combination of all three of those abilities and are better than Elliott in two or three.

What sets Elliott apart, I’ve decided after watching him as a pro, is his burst. He has an amazing ability to accelerate over about a three stride stretch. He’s better than anyone I’ve seen in this.

Elliott’s burst explains why he often gets through the line untouched. It also explains why he can often turn the corner – an almost impossible task in the pros and even in high level college competition where defenders are simply too fast to outrun if they have an angle.

-->

He has the potential to be a great back over a reasonably long career – if Dallas gives him fewer carries.

Dear Governor Mississippi

Dear Governor Mississippi:

I was pleased to hear about your state’s new religious freedom law.

I’m told you’re a true believer in laws that prevent government from forcing people to violate their religious beliefs by, for example, serving a gay person in a restaurant.

People say you defended your decision to sign the bill as something Jesus would have done. That makes sense; Jesus didn’t allow debate, he just did things. Also, if you say you’re doing God’s will, I’m sure it must be true since saying is believing.

Who’s Afraid of the Cayman Islands?

“If Cameron thinks he can intimidate us, he better think again. If the UK tries to make us report the real names of foreign account holders, we’ll cut off Britain’s air travel and Internet service, and of course terminate all banking relations. And that’s just a start. There’s more we can do. Be afraid, David.”

My Trump Post

To all you Republicans who liked the Southern Strategy and were comfortable with the Tea Party:  you reap what you sow.

Corruption is the EU’s Achilles Heel

Thanks to the Panama Papers, corruption is finally on the front pages.   

The “Panama Papers” leak reveals widespread use of offshore accounts, especially in Europe. Experts believe that that most of the exposed accounts have been used for tax evasion and also note that the firm from which the information was taken is only one of many that create such accounts.  

Will the leak matter? There’s certainly evidence that it should. Among other things, strong EU action on corruption could greatly increase the viability of the union and make the difference in preventing Brexit.

Corruption is a core issue.

March 24, 2016: The Beginning of the End for Daesh?

Daesh, also known as the “Islamic State,” is a very unusual kind of political entity. Notably, it has no visible foreign policy and no allies. Nor, given its behavior, does it even have the prospect of building any kind of alliance. Even the most analogous state, North Korea, has commercial and political agreements with a neighbor. And, given that the neighbor in question is China, that’s consequential. Daesh, by contrast, is in a state of extreme hostility if not actual warfare with all of its neighbors and, unlike North Korea, has no direct access to the sea.

Given that Daesh is poor, surrounded, universally reviled and with no plausible strategy to reverse these circumstances, its days as a viable political entity have been numbered since it was created.

The news today, March 24 of 2016, makes one wonder if Daesh’s end times aren’t beginning and if the final days of its state-like functions aren’t just months away.

The news today carries two key points:  1) Syrian forces have taken, or are about to retake Palmyra; and 2) Iraqi forces have begun to move toward Mosul from the south. If sustained, these two events should be very consequential and should most likely lead to quick change. “Quick” means months.

The Power of :20

My perception of time seems to flip when a clock reaches :20. If I have to do something during an hour, I think I have plenty of time as late as :19. But, as soon as I see :20, a wave of urgency washes over me. It’s more than the change of a minute, it’s literally a new time frame. Interesting.

Dear Committee Members

Chair, Committee on Creative Writing

Department of English

Standard State University

Dear Committee Members:

Please consider Professor Julie Schumacher’s Dear Committee Members as required reading for all students beginning your creative writing program. It’s true that the book doesn’t break new ground – satirizing English departments is like shooting fish in a barrel with a bazooka. Many have tried and few have failed. Nor is it the sharpest, most biting such satire, John L’Heureux’s Handmaid of Desire easily wins that prize. And it probably isn’t funnier than Richard Russo’s Straight Man or Jane Smiley’s Moo (which satirizes an entire university).

But Dear Committee Members  is still a brilliant achievement which delights readers even as it offers lessons for writers. I wouldn’t have thought the simple stratagem of the letter of recommendation could sustain an entire book, but Schumacher manages without discernible effort. Talent can make any format work.

Moreover, and I won’t say more to avoid spoiling the reader’s pleasure, the author accomplishes a change in emotional atmosphere across the pages with the smooth subtlety of morning sun dissolving maritime fog. Anyone who wants to learn to write should carefully study what she has accomplished here.

Best wishes and don’t let your students’ mutant human-bedbug creatures bite.

Garrison Walters

Author of the Aldus Stewart thrillers:  Killing Justice and A Riddle (as well as another novel which shall not be named – we all have to learn)